It was very unexpected. A phone call I was definitely not expecting, a disruption to my laid back stay-at-home activities I did not plan on, a night I was not prepared for.
Normally, I would have said ‘no thanks, I’m good, I have work early in the morning’. I usually did. I never liked spending time alone with people I don’t really know. Yes, I had known you for over a year, but I didn’t actually know you, I just knew you from the casual interactions in passing at work. The conversational inquiries of your plans for the rest of the day or the weekend, the brief run ins at the gym that consisted of normal ‘gym’ talk, the occasional laughs we shared about random stories for a couple of minutes at work, the very loud ‘hi best friend!’ every time I saw you because I enjoyed your child-like laughter when you heard it. I don’t even remember why I began to call you best friend. I think that I was so tired of hearing people talk about your ‘bad attitude’ since you seemed so nice and sweet when you were training me, and you know me, you know that I don’t like or listen to that gossip group mentality. I did sense it though, what everyone always said about you, the reservation, sadness and impatience that you radiated. But I didn’t mind it, I wanted to befriend you, you seemed like the nice kind of friend to have that would never cross the line I very much enforced and that had a girlfriend so it would be so easy to stay just friends. But of course, we didn’t really become friends, and we hardly ever worked together, so all we had were those casual ‘hi best friend!’ and ocasional gym run ins.
Yet, for some reason, I reached out to you after you left work, because you had stayed on my mind for weeks since that night I ran into you and you told me about your breakup earlier that day. In retrospect, it’s a weird coincidence that I ran into you immediately after your breakup. I don’t think I had ever seen you so somber and serious like I did that night. Your eyes looked so sad, you looked so depressed. I remember talking about you to Zaida. I remember sitting down in the sauna at the gym and telling her what a nice guy you were, and that I didn’t understand how someone like her could leave someone like you, and how bad I felt because you looked absolutely crushed. I’ll never forget how miserable you looked that night, I had an overwhelming feeling to comfort you, but I didn’t know what I could even say, so I just gave you a hug and said I’m sorry and walked away with your sunken eyes on my mind.
Our beginning messaging conversations were so light and funny and natural. Maybe that’s why I said yes when you called. Because you seemed cool and outgoing and I had already told myself when I got back from Europe that I would be more outgoing and you would be something new and fun and how could I say no to a UT basketball game with my ‘best friend’?
If I had known earlier that I would have plans with you that night, I would have done everything so much different. I would have probably cleaned up my house and room before you got there. I would have probably taken my time with my makeup and hair. I would have probably taken my time to pick out the perfect outfit. But instead, everything about that night was natural and easy. You walked into my life exactly how it was, you saw me exactly for who I was, not the fake, perfect picture I would have portrayed for you. You saw the natural me with my natural clothes in my natural environment. My usual black shirt and jeans, my simple foundation, mascara and blush makeup combination, my messy room. I would have probably been nervous and reserved because I would have spent all day overthinking spending time with someone I wasn’t comfortable with and didn’t know. Maybe that’s why that evening was so delightful and easy and fun.
I hated basketball. Yet somehow you made it fun. You made that entire game fun. Your outrageous stories kept me laughing, my gullibility at everything you confidently said kept you laughing. Your dumb dancing and your childish cheese mustache and your exciting commentary on the game kept me entertained and comfortable the entire time. I never felt nervous or awkward at any moment throughout the night, a rarity given my previous experience when hanging out with new people, especially by myself.
So I agreed to keep it going when you asked. I was having a good time with you, why not? We went to get drinks and food and of course, you pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I actually liked it. I told you about my trip. I told you about the fights with Derick. I told you about all the interesting things I did. And you just listened. And you chimed in. And we would get off track with your random comments that would make me roll my eyes and make you laugh out loud. You told me about your cruise and all the exciting times you had on it. Once again, fun and natural. No awkward gaps in between conversations. No tension trying to come up with interesting responses. No weird judgmental moments when we were talking about the live sex show I went to in Amsterdam and the naked circus blade thing you went to on Halloween.
The car ride dropping me off was probably my favorite part. You asked me about my previous relationships. But you were actually interested to hear about me and hear me explain myself on why I only dated long distance. And your input was spot on, I really hadn’t found the person that I actually enjoyed spending more than a weekend with, the person I actually wanted to be involved in my life every day, the person I could actually spend my days with, not the ‘you do your thing and I do my thing and we will see each other once or twice a month’ that I said I preferred. And nothing hurt me more than hearing about your previous relationship. And how hurt she left you, and how empty you felt, and how you blamed yourself for ‘dragging her down to your sheltered dark space’ when it just seemed like it wasn’t your fault at all. I wanted to tell you that she didn’t deserve you, that you didn’t suck her in to your depression or your routine or your comfortable dark space like you kept telling yourself you did, that she just wasn’t meant to be in your life if she couldn’t handle the good and the bad. But I didn’t, because it wasn’t my place and I didn’t want to say something that could hurt you or ruin the night, so I just stayed quiet and let you emotionally vent and absorbed your sadness and walked into my house with your sadness lingering in my mind.
I went to sleep that night thinking I finally found a new best friend. Nobody can replace Derick, but at least I would have someone who is interesting and fun and easy to be around and easy to talk to and has a sense of humor and is attractive since I only like having attractive friends and has similar interests that I do.
Who knew I had actually found my best friend that night?
Who knew how much that night would change me and my life?
Who knew I would be sitting here in my favorite coffee shop writing about meeting that best friend I’m about to lose?
If I could go back to that night, I don’t know if I would change anything. I don’t know if I would have said no when you called. I don’t know if I would have ended the night after the game. I don’t know if I wouldn’t have opened up so easily to you. I don’t know if I wouldn’t have cared so much about you. I’m in so much pain right now, I’ve gone through so much hurt since that night. Yet, if I could go back to that night, I don’t know if I would change anything about it.
Best friend, I’m offering you unconditional love, devotion and support. I just want to be your loving and supportive partner. I just want to have an easy, natural, simple friendship with you full of adoration and genuine care . I just want to make sure you have more happiness and love than you could even handle. I just want to share my life with you. I just want to be your best friend.
I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.
Black Hole 