Losin Control

Will I ever be able to fully trust again?

I had a moment of weakness. A slight moment where I couldn’t stop the worrying. A slight moment where I couldn’t remember why I should trust him. A slight moment that I let myself doubt everything.

A relapse. A tiny moment of weakness that spiraled out of control. Before I could take a moment to remind myself why I shouldn’t do this, why there was zero need for it, why I am not like this anymore: it was too late.

Instantly, I regretted it. Instantly, I realized I shouldn’t have done that. Instantly, my heart dropped and the guilt crept in. Because I realized what I had done, one second too late. I realized I had potentially damaged everything. I realized I might have destroyed all of my progress. I realized I might have hurt our healthy relationship and our mutual trust. I realized I might have shown him I don’t trust him, when I do, with everything inside of me. In that fraction of a second, I didn’t though. I instantly became what and who I hated being. I turned into that girl again. The girl I was in my first relationship. The girl I continued to be in the following relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that. The girl I vowed I would never be again. The girl I worked so hard to stop being. The girl I swore I would never let damage another relationship again.

All because of that first unhealthy relationship.

It’s astonishing how the first experience of love and a relationship can shape your future so much, shape your personality and the way you show affection and how you perceive your partner and how you trust and how you love.

He became my enemy. Our relationship became a battlefield. Trust became a weakness. The ghost of our love was the ammunition. Our future became leverage. Our partnership turned into a manipulative game. Who could hurt the most? Who was the weakest? Who could say the most hurtful words? What would do the most emotional damage? Who would ultimately annihilate us?

He always won. His words were always double edge swords and as much as they hurt, I needed them and I needed him. I was always on the defensive, at least in the beginning. I let him break me down. I let him and his words destroy me and I found myself so dependent on him and his validation and his love. I always got hand outs, according to him, and I could never do anything by myself, I was weak and I would never amount to anything by myself. And he turned me into that. He turned me into someone who couldn’t make decisions, someone who couldn’t function or live without him. Everything in my life, he had to approve of first. Everything I wore, everything I said, everything I did. According to him, I would never be anything without him. Nobody would love me the way he did and nobody would take care of me like he did. He would get frustrated, and blame me for his mistakes. He had to talk to other girls, because I was always busy with school and work. He had to sleep with other girls, because I wasn’t always there for him when he wanted sex. He had to drink, because I frustrated him and caused him too many problems. Everything was always my fault and I always ended up apologizing for everything. I apologized for being busy with homework and school, I apologized for having to move to go to school, I apologized for my parents not letting me go out every single time he wanted me to, I apologized for getting upset at the cheating, I apologized for not trusting him and going through his phone. I apologized for crying. I apologized for caring. I apologized for loving him. I apologized for being sensitive and weak. I apologized for everything.

I don’t know when I let the emotional abuse begin. I don’t think anyone really knows when they start being in an unhealthy relationship. It’s a small progression. You never really recognize it or the warning signs or the slight changes. You never notice when his words turn possessive. You never notice when his actions are aggressive. You never notice when your love is turned against you. You cling on to who they were, and at the beginning when the problems arise, you stick through it because they’re so amazing and these are just small flaws. You take the flirting with other girls because they love you and they promise they didn’t mean anything by it. You take the inappropriate text messages because they promise they’ll never talk to them again. You take the deception after you confront them about it because they says it is all lies, and even though you read everything in their conversation, you believe them because they buy you your favorite flowers and revert back to the sweet caring person they were at the beginning. You take the attacks on your appearance because they were just kidding and you know you really should lose some weight. You take the comments on your outfits because you know better than to show so much skin in public. You take the angry outbursts because you knew you shouldn’t have smiled so much at the waiter. You take the neglect because you know they’re right and nobody will love you like they do. You take the fault for snooping and reading the messages from Jocelyn at 3AM because they’re right and you are being crazy and paranoid and should trust them and stay out of their phone. You take the policing of your phone and social media because you should know better than to have guy friends or any friends who tell you he’s being controlling. You take the forced isolation from everyone but them because they’re right, you don’t need to talk to anyone else but them. You take the abuse, because you know you need them, because they made you need them.

And at some point, you find yourself alone, empty of love and trust and happiness, clinging to them and their “love”, emotionally drained, damaged, and destroyed and you look back and wonder where it all went to fucking shit.

They make you feel crazy for being so distrusting. They make you feel at fault for demanding love and respect from them. They make you feel guilty for bringing up their imperfections and flaws when you have so many more. They make you feel guilty for crying when they tell you they’re cheating with someone else because you’re not enough. They tear you down and then blame you for being so insecure and dependent. They make you not trust them, then blame you for always worrying they’re doing something wrong.

James, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for that tiny moment of weakness when I thought you were anything remotely close to who they were. I’m sorry that I distrusted you, when there is no need for that, when you’ve shown me that I can fully and completely trust you. I’m sorry that for a slight moment, I wanted to see you as the enemy, I’m sorry that for a slight second, I wanted to turn our healthy relationship into a battlefield, I’m sorry that for a slight moment, I wanted to use our mutual trust as your weakness. I know you’re better than him. I know I’m better than that girl I used to be. I know that we’re better than that.

He was cheating on her, trying to flip it back on her like a victim, now she all alone and starting over, now she got baggage on her shoulder, but the new guy really loves her.
She loves him, but she doesn’t trust herself anymore.

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