Sweet Talk

Will your patience run out before mine?

Instead of getting closer, getting better, getting stronger, we’re crumbling and falling apart. And you keep letting me take the blame for it all.

You keep letting me believe it’s all my fault. You keep taking every single word I say and using it against me, you keep losing your patience with me, you keep walking away.

I know I can be vindictive and evil and hurtful. I’m trying James. I’m trying harder than you can ever imagine. I don’t want to be that person, especially not to you. With you, I see an opportunity to finally let go of all the negative, petty, cold ways. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I want to show you love and affection and be the exception to everyone and everything else in your life that has hurt you and walked out on you. But you keep waiting for that small error. You keep waiting for that one mistake. You keep waiting for me to say that one wrong thing. You have no patience with me, maybe because you just have no patience for anything anymore.

I’m not perfect, and I’m not claiming I will ever be, but I’m trying so hard to be the person that I want to be. I want to be someone who is emotional and able to express those emotions in a healthy way. I want to be soft and sensitive and finally be able to be sweet without being taken for granted or looked down upon as weak. I want to be able to speak my mind without it being in a double edge manner. I don’t want to intentionally hurt you. I don’t want to get your attention through arguments. I don’t want to push you to express yourself by picking fights with you.

It’s a process. It’s going to take time. It’s not always going to work. I’m going to want to bounce back to that. I’m going to want to revert to being cold because that’s all I know. That is the coping mechanism I always resort to. I say things to hurt people because it’s easier and better than being hurt myself. It’s so difficult to finally know that I can open up to you. It’s so different being around someone like you.  It’s strange not having to hurt you or say something hurtful just to get you to open up.

I know you don’t want to play those games anymore. I know you don’t want to argue just to have a conversation about how we feel. I know I need to trust that when you tell me something it is honest and pure and not filled with a hidden double meaning.

But you need to understand where I am. You need to understand that I am trying. You need to understand that my intentions aren’t to hurt you, I just need time and patience and guidance to be in a healthy relationship. Because I don’t know how to do that. Because I’ve never been in a healthy, loving, honest, open relationship. Show me how, don’t just push me out or get frustrated and walk away because I’m not where you want me to be right away. It’s a process, it’s going to take me time, it’s going to take work. I want it to work. I want us to work.

I guess you know it hurts sometimes, you know it’s going to bleed sometimes.

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