Am I destined to self destruct when everything is going perfect?

Everything was perfect. You were perfect. We were perfect. For a small second in time, everything was absolutely perfect.

I was so happy. You were happy. We were happy. We took one step in the right direction. We declared our intentions and finally expressed our feelings. We were officially exclusive and were going to embrace each other’s happiness and love. We made plans to spend all of Saturday together. We were going to dedicate all of our day to just each other and make it a special day.

Then, as if destiny wanted to shatter my perfect little moment, I self destructed. I ruined it all.

I know I didn’t mean anything by it. I don’t even talk to him. I don’t even like him. I don’t even want him. Maybe I just like the attention. Maybe I just like the flirting. Maybe I just like to destroy my own happiness. Either way. It all went to shit.

I never stopped to think of how you would feel. I never stopped to realize how much this would hurt you. I never even thought about you honestly. It was impulsive. It was dumb. It was funny. It was fucking stupid. I should’ve known better. I deserve to have lost your trust that day. I deserve to have lost you that day.

And somehow I didn’t. Somehow you forgave it. Somehow you came back. Somehow you still wanted to try. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I’m just going to take you for granted. Like I almost did that night. Because although I would’ve never and would never cheat on you, it was still a fucking horrible thing to do.

I know that you forgave it, but I know you won’t forget. I know that you said you trust me, but deep down, you’ll never completely trust me. I let you down, and somehow you still want to be with me. It’ll take time for you to trust me, but I’ll show you that you can. Because I won’t be foolish and stupid ever again. I’ll dedicate all of me to you. You know I will. I learned my lesson. I learned to not take you for granted. I learned to value you. I learned how much it hurt to see you walk away. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to love you. I want you.

The earth don’t spin unless I’m by your side.


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