Die Trying

When do you know it is safe to let your guard down and just be happy?

I think I’ve lost all possibility of shielding myself from pain. I’ve let you in with no restrictions. I’ve allowed myself to embrace everything about you. I’ve gone past the point of turning back.

I just want to enjoy being happy with you. I just want to indulge in what you make me feel. I just want to embrace your comfort.

How can I though? How can I knowing that I did that before and it just led to immense heart break? How can I not knowing how you feel and what you want?

I’m so scared to have that conversation. I’m so reluctant to bring up that topic. Because deep down, I know it’ll probably not be what I want. Deep down, I know I’ll end up hurt. Deep down, I know what you’re going to say. I keep telling myself to just embrace our time together. I keep reassuring myself that you’ll come around. I keep lying to myself that you’ll eventually want the same thing I do. But that’s why I keep avoiding that conversation. Because deep down, I know they’re all lies. You don’t want anything else with me. You enjoy our time together, but don’t want to commit to anything with me. You have fun with me, but don’t see a future with me.

That’s why you haven’t brought it up either.

And you know what? That’s so inconsiderate of you. That’s so cruel of you. That’s so reckless of you. How dare you come back into my life? How dare you return knowing how I felt? How dare you return knowing you hadn’t changed the way you felt? How dare you return knowing the situation was the same? How dare you return knowing what you leaving did to me? How dare you return knowing how much it would hurt me to go through that again? How dare you return knowing you would do it all over again?

Yet, here I am. Here I am eager to see you again. Here I am waiting for you to text me. Here I am dwelling on the memories of this past week. Here I am ready to make more memories this next week. How long will this last? How long will I stay so eager to see you? How long will I enjoy the happiness? How long until I want more? How long until you push me away because this is all you want? How long before you hurt me? How long until I end up crying? How long before this all ends? How long before we end?

Will we ever get to the other side before there’s nothing left?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s