How do we let ourselves stay trapped in the same vicious cycles?
I should know better. I do know better. It’s so easy for me to argue logic to someone else. It’s so easy for me to analyze a situation that doesn’t apply to me and find a simple, obvious solution to it. Honestly, I can usually do that to my own situation and my own life. How is it that I’m so tenacious to do the opposite of what I should do? How is it that I’m so stubborn to chase after what I know I can’t have? How do I always let myself make the same mistakes over and over again thinking that somehow, next time will be different?
I’ve always been like that. I’ve always been able to see things logically and very straight forward. I’ve always been able to find the reason behind everything. I’ve always been so calm and stubborn when I know I’m right. Yet that all changes when it comes to a relationship. I always lose all logic and reason and common sense when I’m falling for someone or in a relationship with someone. I always chase after that comfort they give me. I always choose to ignore that voice in my head telling me what’s right and what’s wrong. I always go after everything that hurts me. In retrospect, I think it has been because I’ve been so scared of being alone. So scared of not having someone always there to comfort me and tell me everything is okay. So scared of having someone leave me after I’ve opened up to them. So scared of losing someone and never feeling that feeling of love again.
It’s pretty stupid. Because if my past has shown me anything, it’s that the right person can always give you that same feeling, often even more intense than the previous person. I should learn by now that as perfect as the current person seems, someone even more perfect and amazing is just around the corner in the near future.
Yet, somehow, I’m always scared to move on when I know I should. When I see the relationship failing, I’m always scared of walking away. When I see the love fading, I’m always scared of moving on. When I see that the connection just isn’t mutual, I’m so scared to keep looking for it elsewhere. I guess it’s because I always doubt myself. I’m never confident in my feelings, I never know if I’m completely sure that it is time to walk away. Even though, I always have been sure in the past, but because I doubted myself, I continued to stay in the same hurtful cycle. I stayed in the same miserable situation. I stayed in the same unhappiness. When a whole new exciting person was waiting for me, I was too scared to leave my comfortable, wrong person.
Question is: what do I feel right now? Do I want to move on? Do I feel miserable? Do I need to leave this comfort? Do I need to find someone else? Do I need to leave this perfect person?
I wish I knew. I wish my gut would tell me something. I wish I could analyze the situation and see what the logical answer is. I wish I could take a step back and just think everything through. Maybe I will. I’ll sit down and just argue it out with myself soon (probably in my next post so stay tuned). Because part of me knows I should move on. Part of me wants to keep fighting. Which part is stronger? Which part is right? Who knows, really?
Sometimes it’s easier to make the same mistakes than try to break through the ceiling.