How long does it take to find yourself?
Sometimes I wish I had a timeline of the rest of my life. Sometimes I wish someone just handed me vague time periods of when certain things would happen. Sometimes I wish I had more assurance that things will work out eventually.
I wish I knew when I would finally be comfortable in my own skin. I wish I knew when I would know what I wanted to do in my career. I wish I knew when I would discover what my passion is. I wish I knew when I would stop thinking about James. I wish I knew when I would find my perfect guy.
I’ve been in such an uncertain place. I’ve been so confused. I’ve been so lost. I’ve been so emotional. I’ve been so unstable. I just want reassurance. From the future. From the universe. From a god. From whatever. Just someone, something, anything, to tell me that everything will somehow work out.
I didn’t realize how lost and how unstable I was until I met James*. I used to have such a strong personality, such a determination, such confidence, such an impenetrable shield around my heart and my mind and my emotions. Then I lost it all. I lost it all the moment I went to Europe. I lost it all the moment I didn’t go back to school. I lost it all the moment my family’s stability shattered. My foundation was shaken to the core. I lost all sense of who I was in Europe, I lost all sense of who I wanted to be when I didn’t go back to school, I lost all sense of who I was doing it for when my family’s bond crumbled. I had never felt that. I had never felt so vulnerable, so empty, so unsure.
Maybe that’s why I let him in so easily?
Maybe that’s why I fell for him so hard?
Maybe that’s why I got so attached?
I want to believe that it was him. I want to believe that it was our chemistry. I want to believe that it was his personality. But maybe deep down, I know I am wrong. Maybe, deep down, I know that I just needed someone to give me security and confidence and comfort. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need him. Maybe I just needed him in that moment. Maybe I just needed him to be there for me so I didn’t completely fall apart. Maybe I just needed someone, anyone, to make me feel needed and beautiful and loved. He didn’t make sense to me. It didn’t make sense to me. WE didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand how I could fall for him. I told myself I wouldn’t. I told myself I didn’t want him. I told myself I just wanted a friend. I told myself I was happy single and commitment free. I think it was probably after going out with him to Baker’s Street with another friend, when I thought that maybe we could be more than friends. I think it was that night, when I saw how comfortable and at ease I felt around him, how easy it was to be with him, that was the night when I realized that I could be with him and I began to see a future together with him. That was the night I fell for him. But looking back, it just doesn’t make sense. Because I was lost and looking for myself. And then I found him. And I lost myself in him. In his personality. In his happiness. In his charm. It was so easy to love him. It was so easy to embrace his aura. It was so easy to become addicted to his laughter. It was all so easy and happy and amazing. I loved it.
Maybe he was right. Maybe we did need space. Maybe we did need time. Maybe I needed space and I didn’t even realize it. Maybe we were moving too quick. Maybe it was becoming too much. Maybe it was best to end things before someone got hurt, or got hurt more. Maybe it was best to walk away before it got harder and harder to leave. Maybe I just needed him for that time, that moment, that month. Maybe now it’s time I move on and continue to try to find myself.
Maybe I don’t need him anymore.
I don’t wanna lose myself loving you.
*Disclaimer: I’ve known him as a friend for over a year, but we have just recently started hanging out and talking, we weren’t really close before, we didn’t really know each other before.*